Why I 'don't feel like a real person' in groups

Trigger warning: I mention emotions that some may consider intense, and touch on behaviours that some may regard as neglectful/abusive

For some, this title may be a bit confusing… but for others, you may completely understand what I mean by ‘not feeling like a real person in groups’ and this essay may even offer you answers about your own similar experiences. I feel I should definitely clarify what I mean, although admittedly it’s a bit hard to put into words. Also, I hope you can gain something from my writing regardless of how much you can relate.

See, I had a revelation last night that even therapy did not uncover…

A few months ago, whilst I was still in therapy, I told my therapist that I sometimes didn’t feel real, especially in groups and that this included even my group of trusted friends of whom I have strong individual bonds with. She didn’t know what I meant and I didn’t know how to expand- I think even I didn’t totally understand how I felt… but last night it clicked when I figured out the reasoning, so perhaps it’ll make sense more when I explain that. I knew from therapy that it wasn’t derealisation or dissociation, as this was confirmed to not be an issue for me from questionnaires I had been given- even if I suspected they had been issues prior to the psychosis.

Anyways, if I were to try and explain now what I mean by not feeling ‘real’, especially in groups, I suppose the easiest way to put it is I lose my sense of identity and begin to feel out of place, like I don’t have a place in the dynamic, even when I’m being included… it’s as if I am meant to be nothing and in the context of other people existing comfortably and visibly and expecting me to participate in their dynamic- I just don’t know what place I am meant to have- I don’t feel like there should be space for me.

Now I know that was a lot. But I feel at peace because now I can finally describe this vague but unsettling feeling I’ve felt for a long time, and since last night I have figured out what the cause of it was and how I can move forward…

So, in regards to why I experienced this feeling of ‘not being real in groups’, it was a lot more simple than I realised: when as a child in the context of family, you’re often treated like you’re not there, you learn to identify with that feeling; if you don’t exist to them, you don’t exist to anyone, you’re not meant to exist to anyone! If you don’t belong in the group ‘family’, you don’t belong to any group. And when you repeatedly have your emotions shut down, ignored or punished by one parent, and then, arguably worse, when that same behaviour towards your emotions was imitated by the other parent, almost out of self-preservation or to avoid causing conflict with the first… you learn not to trust people in groups, you learn to anticipate that people wouldn’t stand up for you if it does any sort of damage to them, even when it really counts- you learn not to trust truly because that puts you at risk of betrayal. This lesson is something that I think does have some truth to it, but I feel I hold it too strongly. It becomes a problem when it makes you question if even you or your friends would not show up when needed in some hypothetical scenario. If someone has shown themselves to be trustworthy and safe again and again, you should permit yourself to fully trust them, even when you are both around other people that slightly alter the dynamic.

I decided there were a few things I could do now, now that I’ve had this revelation about why I’ve felt like I’m not real for so long in groups. 1: That by proving to myself that I do not have weak character (i.e. speaking up for people I care about, even if a bit later than ideal), I can feel that scenarios involving more than 2 people can be handled well from a moral standpoint. 2: I can start expressing my emotions even if I feel it could hurt someone- my feelings deserve to have space to exist visibly just as much as anyone else’s- though I should try not to hurt people where possible. 3: I can try my best to care for myself in spite of any flaws, in the hopes that I create a safe space just by being in my own presence, which I can carry into groups and hopefully that will strengthen my sense of self.

So there you go, it’s been over a month since my last post, so I thought I should definitely write something for substack when I had these realisations, hope it was a good read and have a lovely rest of your day/night.

See you in the next one hopefully!

-Ex-psychotic person